Letting Go
by Sakusha
Summary: Years ago, a partnership crumbled, now Tatsumi's sacrifice leaves him feeling conflicted in a way he never imagined.
1. sacrifice

**Letting Go**

I'm sorry 

_I can't do it. _

_I just can't do it._

Tatsumi briskly walked up the hall to the Konoe's office, giving a slight knock on the frame, as the door was already open. Konoe was standing at the desk picking up a stack of papers.

" Konoe, I need to speak with you."

"Wait in my office", he said as he walked past Tatsumi, " I'll be right back." 

Tatsumi took a seat in the office and waited for Konoe to complete his task. Feeling rather defeated, he pushed his glasses further up his nose and closed his eyes. 

_I tried. I wanted too… but I just can't. _

_The way you look at me, I could deny you nothing, but I can't make you happy._

_Your eyes betray every emotion in your soul, and I find myself drowning in them._

_I may exude confidence to everyone else, but in your presence I am a coward._

_I am afraid that I will lose control._

_I cannot protect you from yourself. I cannot make you see that you are not responsible for all the pain in the world .You cannot save everyone when your job description is "Angel of Death". Don't you get it?_

_It's not that I don't understand, I do. I just cannot open myself to these feelings the way you do. That  would drive me insane. I've heard you've already been there. You are truly haunted, of what I do not know . _

_ You used to smile a lot more than you do now._

_I like your smile. I miss your smile._

_It is because of me that you do not._

_I want to see you beaming the way you do when you see chocolate. I cannot give that to you. _

_ There will be someone else better for you than I . I don't want to do this. I have to do this. For the both of us. For me because  your sadness hurts me, I cannot bear to watch. For you, because I cannot bear to watch. _

This is my last resort. You wont understand. How could you possibly understand what you do to me . But I have to protect myself, and I have have to protect you, and put some space between us. 

_Tsuzuki I will always…_

Konoe entered his office and sat in his chair, giving Tatsumi his full attention.

" Sorry that took so long, Tsuzuki keeps filing those reports wrong and the mess ends up on my desk. So what can I do for you?"

" That's what I needed to talk to you about, actually. I don't think this is going to work out, Tsuzuki and me. A new partner may be in order."

Konoe sighed heavily, as he turned and glanced out the window. He seemed to be contemplating the ever-falling sakura. A moment later he replied, "Well, you did try."

Tatsumi shifted a bit uncomfortably but did not let his choice waver. " Yes sir, I did. I just don't think we are compatible…as partners."

" Still," he said, " I was hoping that you would be the one. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to be patient.  I'm sure someone will come along that can work with that baca on a regular basis." He turned back to his desk. " I'll start looking for a new partner right away."

Tatsumi rose, "Thank you."

He started to leave, pausing a moment before continuing through the door. He was a man a strength, after all. He was doing the best thing for both of them. He could not change. But would he one day regret?

~Owari~

Notes: 

Okay, I didn't sit and edit and re-edit, stare at it some more and edit again like I usually do. I simply had the idea and put it down as is. Hope it's likable! I wanted to relay that while Tatsumi feels for Tsuzuki, Tatsumi is maybe a bit afraid of the sadness emanating from him. Partly because Tatsumi does not know how to comfort him, and partly because he just wants to see Tsuzuki happy. Hence, he feels (at least at that time anyway) that he must end their partnership, and set some space between them. Tsuzuki would not be subject to Tatsumi's ridged personality, and Tatsumi would not have see a sad Tsuzuki. I'm sure it sounded good all in his head at the time, but what was he feeling when a certain blond haired shinigami _was able to make that connection in a way he never could?  _


	2. Conflicting Emotions

Much thanks to all that reviewed. I've had several requests to add onto my little one shot – so a came up with a second chapter. Got tissue?

The tall figure at the counter in the lunchroom pushed his glasses up slightly and leaned against the counter, holding his teacup in one hand and a tea bag in the other. He dipped the bag in the hot water, gently bobbing the bag to release the flavor from the packet. From the outside it appeared that the tea bag held his interest so mush so that he was oblivious to the chatter of the two other shinigami in the room, sitting at the table. And if it had been any other two shinigami's it might have been true. But the one with the purple eyes had always held him captive of his own heart, long after he'd let him go.

__

There's such a big part of me that says that I've made a mistake. And an even bigger part that tells me it's far to late for me to do anything about in now. 

As I watch you together I can tell, he's the one.

To anyone else, they might not think it so, but to someone who's been around as long as I …..

I wanted so much to be that person. Maybe I gave up before I should have. Truthfully, I never really gave it a chance, you scared me so. And for so long I was content to protect you from afar, and as I watch him with you now, I realize that it is not my place to protect you anymore. The one who loves you almost as dearly as I, has taken that honor.

"Hisokaaa…Hidoi!" Tsuzuki whined, reaching for his slice of chocolate cake that was so rudely pulled away.

"Iie. You need to eat something better than that for lunch baka!" Hisaka folded his arms, letting Tsuzuki know on no uncertain terms that he was not going to cave into those big puppy eyes.

Tsuzuki pouted, glared and lightly stomped his feet to no avail. Hisoka's facade never budged, and finally Tsuzuki had no choice but to eat the lunch that Hisoka had set out before them.

"Can I have it after I eat? Pleeaase." Big chibi eyes pleaded.

Hisoka started to eat his own meal, holding back a smile, knowing he'd won that round. " Yes, just eat all your food first, ok?"

" 'K." Tsuzuki sighed deeply, and smiled. He'd won too.

Tatsumi watched the little scene played out, knowing that had Tsuzuki given him those same puppy dog eyes he might have very likely gave Tsuzuki the whole damn cake. 

__

I knew I'd see you smile again. I knew I wouldn't be the one who could do that for you, and so I sacrificed my feelings. I wanted you to be happy. Want_ you to be happy. And you are. More than I could have ever done for you. I should be happy too then, right? This is what I wanted. This is why I sat in Konoe's office and dissolved my partnership. So that when the right person came along…._

"Oi! Tatsumi! Wanna share some chocolate cake?" Tsuzuki beamed in delight, finally getting to his sweet snack, pausing only momentarily to offer some to his friend.

Tatsumi blinked, realizing that he'd been caught staring. " It's OK Tsuzuki, you go ahead. Thank you."

With that, Tsuzuki inhaled the entire slice.

"Baka. Baka. Baka. Chew you food Tsuzuki. Didn't anyone teach you any better?" Hisoka admonished, though the words held no real sting behind them.

"Ne, Hisoka" He replied in between gulps, " Live a little."

" Can't _live_ if your already dead, Tsuzuki."

" You know what I mean. Enjoy things, you know. Chocolate, sweet rolls, strawberry pocky…"

"I get it, I get it." Hisoka waved his hand in annoyance and went back to eating his own lunch.

"But you know…." Tsuzuki leaned in a little and lowered his voice, though Tatsumi could still hear what was being said, " I enjoy you too."

Hisoka blinked and his cheeks became rather flush. Without missing a beat Tsuzuki turned to Tatsumi, who was now sipping his tea, trying to pretend he did not hear that last remark.

"Tatsumi, come join us. You don't have to stand there all by yourself. There's always plenty of room for you."

__

But there isn't. 

"No thank you Tsuzuki, I have work in my office. I'll see you two later." Tatsumi looked up for the briefest of moments before heading out the door and down the hall.

Tsuzuki watched the empty doorway, for just a moment with a wistful expression before turning back to Hisoka.

" I wish …." He trailed off.

__

…you could be happy too.

"What?" Hisoka asked, looking up expectantly.

Tsuzuki shook his head, then smiled, " Nothing Hisoka. It's nothing."

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In the quite of his office Tatsumi put his tea on the end of the table and stood facing the window, looking through the blinds.

__

Tsuzuki

Finally you have someone too make you happy. 

Why does it hurt so?

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Another open-ended ending. 

Waaahhh! Don't you just want to give Tat's a hug?


End file.
